Keep it real

6 09 2011

A relationship is rather mysterious and amazing entity in itself, and perhaps a deeper paradox than understanding an individual.  A person is real and can be affirmed at any moment, but a relationship is more difficult to apprehend or define.  In some cases, a relationship can prove far stronger than either individual involved.  Formed by the co-mingling of it’s partners energies (weaknesses, strengths, ideals…etc…) the relationship has it’s own personality.  Therefore, is it possible that what attracts us to someone is less who the other is and more what the relationship is? What we may be able to create together? Personally, as I grow … wiser … I feel that I have learned to focus more on this aspect.  Outside of the here and now, what can we become? I feel it is important to have a solid answer to this question or you could be doomed from the start.  Of course, no one can deny the sometimes dangerous chemistry we encounter when you ask yourself such questions that deserve solid answers, yet you can not justify your actions.

As everyone knows, not all relationships are easy.  There are many types of relationships you have throughout your life with people if only known briefly.  Your co-workers, fellow students, your boss, your clients, your hair dresser, and of course the people you love.  Relationships of any form are work.  Your relationship with your best friend is work, even if he/she is your best friend.  Maybe they make bad decisions you don’t agree with and it’s work sometimes to remain their friend when they make such decisions … but “keep it real”.  Tell them! “I don’t like your decision to sleep with your boss, but I still like you.  I’m not going to bombard you with advice because I know the real you so I will leave you to decide what is best.”  This is just one example and I made it up … so don’t go thinking I have a friend who’s doing their boss, okay!?!? Your relationship with your mother is work … well at least mine is.  It’s exhausting.  The most exhausting part of mine is “Keeping it real” because sometimes she doesn’t like the truth. But, I have learned not to lie to her because then I only get caught up in a web of lies and can’t keep up … and, well frankly she always knows the truth anyway and then I end up looking like a fool for not keeping it real.  But in romance, ahhh sweet romance, perhaps that is the hardest time to keep it real when it should be the easiest.

Naturally, the relationship that engages most interest is the much sought after romantic relationship.  Unfortunately, not all couples are suited to be in romantic relationships together.  Common love is based on illusion which is initially pleasurable but can ultimately end destructively.

I believe that love means different things to different people.  Just as different people have different tastes, styles, beliefs …etc…  Just as the way two different people may view a piece of art … seeing two different things perhaps even still different from what the artist intended.  Regardless of how one interperts love, all people are driven by the promise of love.

Most relationships are due to chance.  Whether you are related or working together or lovers, it was a twist of fate somewhere along the way that created your relationship.  To build a good relationship I believe you have to view it as if you are building and not working.  What you have to work with is what already exists, but building is a higher level of understanding.  What can we become? Can we build anything together? What is the value of what we can build? What steps will it take to build it? Ultimately, we all want to know if it will be worth the effort in the first place, but alas there are no guarantees.

Some things I have learned that are important blocks in the building process are: trust, respect, sharing, listening, understanding, and communication.  It is important to recognize when your partner is not helping you build, or when your partner is damaging what you have built.  Be aware of possessive behavior because it can be a negative foreshadowing or a disguise for guilt.  Not only do you want to give respect, but you should demand it for yourself as well … and know to act immediately when you are not receiving it.  Much can be learned from self observation.  If you find yourself in an argument, try to back down and observe your behavior.  Also, choose your fights carefully … Is this really necessary? What will we gain from this argument? Is this the right moment to argue this topic? Will we both feel differently tomorrow? And the ever important and often ignored need for space. People need space no matter how in love they are.  People need the freedom to do their own thing without being questioned.  Without this freedom, your construction will never be complete.

The truth will set you free even when you don’t like the truth.  I’m a firm advocate of “keeping it real” and I mean that in the best possible and most logical way.  I realize the term is slang, but the meaning behind it is still pure.  As a goodbye to a friend, “Keep it real”… it means don’t change.  Seriously, don’t change … don’t become someone you’re not.

More often than not, the precursor to a romantic relationship is based on a few falsities.  First of all, regardless of what you try to tell yourself (unless you are blind), you take interest in someone because of their appearance.  That is not a solid foundation, but it definitely is a necessity because if you are not attracted to someone than there is no long term hope.  Don’t get me wrong, though, there are those special few that attract you because of who they are in other ways and, while that is a better foundation, if you don’t eventually grow a physical attraction the relationship will be doomed in the long run.  However, there is always hope that you can grow a physical attraction to someone because of who they are rather than their looks.  I’ve been there, done that and it does work IF you are keeping it real!!! In fact, I have learned this type of physical attraction is far better than the norm.  You’ve heard that old joke where you look at someone hot and say “Somebody, somewhere is tired of putting up with his/her shit.”  Trust me, it’s true.  For the most part, the hotter they are – the more shit you have to put up with because, well … let’s face it … Hotties are high maintenance because they know someone else is just around the corner waiting to take your place in line for their attention.  Don’t blame me, I’m just keeping it real.

But the reason I’m writing this is to maybe help someone who is having a hard time in their relationship.  Bottom line is: you or your partner or both of you aren’t keeping it real.  As you grow older,  you will learn that is the main key.  But it’s not as easy as it sounds.  There’s a lot to keeping it real.

Say you’ve been together for 3 years or so, you know each other … you know the smell of his farts know each other … So when he takes a double glance at some young hottie in a tight dress across the room, you’re offended.  Don’t be! It’s human nature!!!! It’s that spark inside of him that keeps the fires burning and if you try to smother it you’re sure to lose him.  Let him look, and have a look yourself.  This WILL keep the passion burning in your personal relationship with him.  When I’m in this situation, I don’t get my feathers ruffled.  I watch him take his glance, then when he turns back to me I giggle about it.  This lets him know that I’m well aware of his wandering eye and I’m amused by it, not threatened.  Seriously, she may not want to get to know the smell of his farts the way that I have and if he’s willing to take that chance, well then we were not meant to be anyway … and probably he will end up smelling his farts alone.  Jealousy is deadly.  Don’t let it consume you.   If your partner is jealous, you should just get out now.  Why? Two reasons: First and foremost, it has been my experience that when someone is overly jealous it is usually spawned by the fact that they are actually doing something wrong and are paranoid and projecting their crime on you.  Oh how many times have I been accused of cheating by a cheater? I can’t even count.  But, after several accusations, I usually start studying harder to learn that Mr. Paranoid himself is cheating! Secondly, if your paranoid partner is not cheating then you’re just dealing with someone who is overly insecure which can lead to a whole bunch of baggage that you’ll be carrying around … for what? For nothing! Either way, get out of that shit because jealousy and paranoia lead to much bigger issues and I’m hoping you would rather just keep it real, right??

Now, let’s say your partner wants to know how many people you’ve slept with? Ouch! Don’t you hate that? But it always seems to pop up eventually and without any good reason.  Listen, I’m not telling you this … I’m not going to give you a false number or a real one because if we’re keeping it real, it really doesn’t matter.  The last thing I want to know about is my partner’s past.  It just opens up the door to too many insecurities that I don’t want to deal with.  He could very well be the one, but if I know too much about his past relationships I will always measure myself against them and never feel adequate and eventually I will personally destroy what could’ve been a good thing, so why bother?  Don’t ask questions that you wouldn’t want to answer honestly or that you wouldn’t want the honest answer to.  Seriously,  NO ONE answers this question honestly anyway … and NO ONE is ever happy with the answer anyway.  In this day and age most people start having sex in their teens, do you really want to know the truth? If you’re worried about disease, use protection instead of seeking out lies to make you feel safe.  If you’re worried about your worth, your question should be “How many times have you been in love?” Not all sex is love.  If it’s getting serious and you want to stop using protection, get tests instead of asking stupid questions and looking for your security in false answers.  KEEP IT REAL!!!

Don’t try to control everything.  If you’re in a relationship with a guy who loves sports and you hate it, don’t go with him to the sports bar to watch the big game only to find yourself miserable the whole time.  Let him go with his buddies while you do something you enjoy.  If you don’t trust him enough to go out without you, he’s not the one!!! If he’s trustworthy, he’s just watching the game, drinking some brew and will be eager to slip between the sheets with you after the party is over.  He’ll be even more eager than usual because you gave him space and trust.  Now, it IS a chance you have to take because there is always the possibility of cheating but if he does, then he wasn’t the one anyway and it’s best that you invested so little time rather than continued to invest time to learn this later.  By keeping it real, you find out the truth much earlier.  And, remember, the truth WILL set you free.  Chances are, f you are both mature adults, he will appreciate and desire you more if you give him the freedom to make his own decisions.  Now, if he starts deciding to be out more without you than with you  face it he’s just not that into you and you need to move on.  I’m using “him” as an example, but the same goes for the ladies.  A girl’s night out is just as important.  No one likes to have a ball and chain.  Most people who have a ball and chain are more apt to cheat because they just feel that urge to revolt even if they do love you.  Just like rebelling against controlling parents, something about the rebellion makes it all worthwhile even if it cost you something more valuable, like a relationship.  Being overbearing forces the rebellion, trust me!

And please, for the love of keeping it real, don’t talk in circles! You want something? Come out & say it! Don’t beat around the bush, candy coat it, hint around it or just assume your partner SHOULD know it and if he/she doesn’t than he/she doesn’t really love you.  Bullshit! If you want something, need something, have a problem with something, whatever the case may be … COME OUT AND SAY IT POINT BLANK.  Don’t give too much credit to the human race, we are not as smart as you’d like to think.  We need the full facts to handle the situation properly.  If you’re not getting what you want out of your relationship, you have no one to blame but yourself. Be straightforward and discuss openly what is on your mind.  You know what they say “Assume is spelled ASS U ME.  Assuming makes and ass out of you and me”.  So very true.  Keep it real.  Don’t assume.  If your partner doesn’t like what you have said, hear him/her out.  He/she may have a good reason, and you might just learn something.  If you don’t agree, like it or not, this relationship may not be the one for you.

Life is short, don’t waste time on being co-dependent or living a lie. The right person is out there for you as long as you keep it real!

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15 responses

6 04 2010
Mike Tucci

Susan,
What timing you have!! My girlfriend and I just had a very important “keeping it real” talk last night–about understanding each other’s current needs in and outside of the relationship. It really strengthened the relationship and how we feel about each other. So, when I saw this in the my inbox this morning, I was pretty blown away!! I especially love the first paragraph where you talk about the relationship being a completely different entity than either person involved, and that its purpose may be just seeing what can built. Extremely profound!
Mike

7 04 2010
suzrocks

Glad you enjoyed this, Mike. I think a lot of people don’t “get it”, but it’s so true. A relationship can take on a life of it’s own, and that is a double edged sword. Sounds like your talk went well, so kudos to you my friend!!!

6 04 2010
Howie Janapol

Dear Susan, you are a very wise person. I have read this blog twice. Your advice is perfect. In order for a relationship to work you both have to work at it. it doesn’t matter what kind of relationship it is. You are right about the fact that once you build a relationship it is a separate structure that two individuals have constructed together. Now I have never gone out of my way to tell my wife about my past relationships and she has never asked, but, in reality, she knows me better then I know myself. The is nothing that I can keep from her. I have never cheated and don’t intend to. It isn’t worth the effort. In reality a woman is hot because of how she is and not how she looks. When I was young my father noticed me chasing girls that were sexy. One day he took me aside and said, “I know your hormones are doing back flips but you need to remember that you cant spend your life in bed. Sooner or later you may actually want to talk.” Best advice I ever got. I didn’t catch on right away but after a while I did. I found my wife one day at a movie theater during intermission. I was on the main floor and she was on the mezzanine and when I looked up I saw these incredible blue eyes. I didn’t meet her then but I did about a month later. We sat and talked. We took a 6 hour drive up the coast and talked. Four months later we were married. It was the talking that did it. It was the sharing. So thank you for your wise words.

I promised you some information so here goes: inbeat Songs URL:http://www.myspace.com/inbeatsongs
We are part of a much larger organization called Inbeat Global Network. and here is the URL:http://www.myspace.com/1inbeat1
We have a lot of different projects going on and I would ask that you just view what we are doing. I think there are now 8 global sights. I am not asking you to do anything. I just want you to know what is going on and if you want to get involved in something then great. For instance this blog and your autobiography would work great in our INBEAT LIFE JOURNEY sight and book. You wouldn’t have to do anything but just submit. The same applies to the INBEATSONGS sight. You may only want to know about what is happening in the world of music here and outside of the USA.

Peace, howie
I look forward to your next blog.

7 04 2010
suzrocks

Hey Howie! My personal computer JUST broke! It broke when I was responding to the comment above yours 😦 That being said, it may be a bit before I can check out the links you shared as this is a borrowed computer and I’m on borrowed time… ugh. I’m so tired of my crappy Dell! Anyway, I just wanted to get on & reply to you. I hope to be back in action soon. I’ll keep you posted. Thanks for sharing the info. Loved reading the story of you & your bride. I think being able to talk means everything! Your father was wise. Best advice I ever got from my mom, “It’s very painful for you, but not for the guy … that’s why you should save it until you’re married and you have to.” Believe it or not, that advice kept me pure a lot longer than the average gal… I was well outta highschool before any guy could convince me my mom was lying, lol!

6 04 2010
Richardttu

This is my second time through this one. I am not sure what my comment was then, but I above most know how hard it is to keep a relationship going, especially if it starts for the wrong reasons, or is based on the wrong things. I kinda wish I had learned these lessons before I hit four … uhm, fo ..err ah, 39 +1 *grins*

7 04 2010
suzrocks

Well, this advice comes from experience… trust me!!! I have no regrets because experience is a great teacher. I’m glad I learned these lessons before, er… um… 30+5, lol

6 04 2010
uncle jailbird

finally, someone acknowledges that looks are important (at least in the initial stages). sounds kinda shallow…and it is if that’s the only reason. my train of thought just derailed.

7 04 2010
suzrocks

Well, let’s be realistic. You just can’t be with someone you’re not attracted to. Sometimes the attraction has to flourish, but even still… for the long haul, you can’t be with someone you’re not attracted to… period!

6 04 2010
wolfshadesblog

“And please, for the love of keeping it real, don’t talk in circles!”

Wow. For such a hottie yourself, you’re talking like a man right there. *laughing*

Seriously though – I wish more people paid attention to this. Life’s too short to play games. (Well, games like the ones you mentioned anyway. Other Games are a lot of fun. But I digress…)

7 04 2010
suzrocks

Well, it’s true… women rule the game of talking in circles, so this advice is mostly for them (though some guys do it), but no one wins when that happens. My mom is the Queen of this trickery. I’d swear she invented it. Her favorite game is on special occasions she “doesn’t want” gifts. “Don’t worry about me, I don’t need anything…” etc… well, one year my Dad took that advice and got her nothing for Valentine’s Day, needless to say… all hell broke loose… lol
But yeah, there are some fun games out there… that’s another blog for another day, lol

6 04 2010
Dave

kudos! Honesty can go a long way. I often wonder why arranged marriages lasted so long in the past. I think, we took relationships more seriously because we expected to be in them forever. We worked through our problems. We didn’t end relationships on a whim. People weren’t treated like they were disposable. Now, we live in a disposable world. We are guarded. We end relationships instead of working through our problems. We never have to face ourselves or each other. You have to find somebody willing to make the long haul. You have to be willing to stay the long haul. You won’t find someone unbroken. We are all broken. Of course, I would never say stay with someone who is dangerous to you. If, you are too willing to throw people away, you will be treated the same. I guess what I am saying is, we all need to have little more forgiveness. Mutual forgiveness and honesty can take you all the way.

7 04 2010
suzrocks

Very true, forgiveness is very important. That’s a weakness of mine, when it comes to relationships… I’m not very forgiving, at least depending on the crime. Cheating? Forget it. I just can’t get past it. And that has been the biggest crime against me in my past. It’s just not something I can rebuild afterward. It never leaves my mind. It’s true that today does tend to focus more on disposability. That’s sad, but that’s what we’ve been conditioned to I’m afraid. I agree, that people do need to work harder in general. I also agree, that if danger is invovled then you should get out… but I think danger had different levels, not only violence, but your state of mind… state of being could be in danger too. It’s never good to be with someone who is verbally abusive either. In fact, sometimes that is even more harmful.

7 04 2010
Mr Waldo

Do you think marriages work in this day and age Suz?

How long have your parents been married for?

A couple movie scenes just for you, read it and weep 😀

Billy Crystal (Harry Burns): You realize of course that we could never be friends.
Meg Ryan (Sally Albright): Why not?
Billy Crystal (Harry): What I’m saying is – and this is not a come-on in any way, shape or form – is that men and women can’t be friends because the sex part always gets in the way.
Meg Ryan (Sally): That’s not true. I have a number of men friends and there is no sex involved.
Billy Crystal (Harry): No you don’t.
Meg Ryan (Sally): : Yes I do.
Billy Crystal (Harry): No you don’t.
Meg Ryan (Sally): Yes I do.
Billy Crystal (Harry): You only think you do.
Meg Ryan (Sally): You say I’m having sex with these men without my knowledge?
Billy Crystal (Harry):: No, what I’m saying is they all WANT to have sex with you.
Meg Ryan (Sally): They do not!
Billy Crystal (Harry): Do too.
Meg Ryan (Sally): They do not.
Billy Crystal (Harry): Do too.
Meg Ryan (Sally): How do you know?
Billy Crystal (Harry):Because no man can be friends with a woman that he finds attractive. He always wants to have sex with her.
Meg Ryan (Sally): So, you’re saying that a man can be friends with a woman he finds unattractive?
Billy Crystal (Harry): No. You pretty much want to nail ’em too.
Meg Ryan (Sally): What if THEY don’t want to have sex with YOU?
Billy Crystal (Harry): Doesn’t matter because the sex thing is already out there so the friendship is ultimately doomed and that is the end of the story.
Meg Ryan (Sally): Well, I guess we’re not going to be friends then.
Billy Crystal (Harry): I guess not.
Meg Ryan (Sally): That’s too bad. You were the only person I knew in New York.

Billy Crystal (Harry):There are two kinds of women: high maintenance and low maintenance.
Meg Ryan (Sally): Which one am I?
Billy Crystal (Harry): You’re the worst kind. You’re high maintenance but you think you’re low maintenance.

8 04 2010
suzrocks

LOL… I love when Harry met Sally! My parents have been married 54 years now 🙂 But, as a whole, I think this day & age is deadly to marriage. It’s nearly impossible, I’m afraid. What’s your opinion? Oh, and as for me… I’m probably “the worst kind”… My man says I’m high maintenance, but I’m convinced I’m low maintenance…lol

8 04 2010
Mr Waldo

My opinion is that in the attempt to beat the standards set by our parents, the 50% divorce rate and ever changing dynamics in how society perceives marriage, makes marriage an outdated tradition, whose only purpose is to declare to the public the agreement made by both parties as to ownership of persons/possessions and minimise liability in the event of fortune/misfortune.

I hope that doesnt make me sound so calculative and cynical :p my parents have been married forever as far as I know, the average value of a home was 50k when my parents 1st settled together, today its 1mill, so applying that rationale to marriage in todays terms would be that any marriage that lasts longer than 2.5 years is a huge milestone 🙂

Worse kind? You said it not me haha

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