Keep it real

6 09 2011

A relationship is rather mysterious and amazing entity in itself, and perhaps a deeper paradox than understanding an individual.  A person is real and can be affirmed at any moment, but a relationship is more difficult to apprehend or define.  In some cases, a relationship can prove far stronger than either individual involved.  Formed by the co-mingling of it’s partners energies (weaknesses, strengths, ideals…etc…) the relationship has it’s own personality.  Therefore, is it possible that what attracts us to someone is less who the other is and more what the relationship is? What we may be able to create together? Personally, as I grow … wiser … I feel that I have learned to focus more on this aspect.  Outside of the here and now, what can we become? I feel it is important to have a solid answer to this question or you could be doomed from the start.  Of course, no one can deny the sometimes dangerous chemistry we encounter when you ask yourself such questions that deserve solid answers, yet you can not justify your actions.

As everyone knows, not all relationships are easy.  There are many types of relationships you have throughout your life with people if only known briefly.  Your co-workers, fellow students, your boss, your clients, your hair dresser, and of course the people you love.  Relationships of any form are work.  Your relationship with your best friend is work, even if he/she is your best friend.  Maybe they make bad decisions you don’t agree with and it’s work sometimes to remain their friend when they make such decisions … but “keep it real”.  Tell them! “I don’t like your decision to sleep with your boss, but I still like you.  I’m not going to bombard you with advice because I know the real you so I will leave you to decide what is best.”  This is just one example and I made it up … so don’t go thinking I have a friend who’s doing their boss, okay!?!? Your relationship with your mother is work … well at least mine is.  It’s exhausting.  The most exhausting part of mine is “Keeping it real” because sometimes she doesn’t like the truth. But, I have learned not to lie to her because then I only get caught up in a web of lies and can’t keep up … and, well frankly she always knows the truth anyway and then I end up looking like a fool for not keeping it real.  But in romance, ahhh sweet romance, perhaps that is the hardest time to keep it real when it should be the easiest.

Naturally, the relationship that engages most interest is the much sought after romantic relationship.  Unfortunately, not all couples are suited to be in romantic relationships together.  Common love is based on illusion which is initially pleasurable but can ultimately end destructively.

I believe that love means different things to different people.  Just as different people have different tastes, styles, beliefs …etc…  Just as the way two different people may view a piece of art … seeing two different things perhaps even still different from what the artist intended.  Regardless of how one interperts love, all people are driven by the promise of love.

Most relationships are due to chance.  Whether you are related or working together or lovers, it was a twist of fate somewhere along the way that created your relationship.  To build a good relationship I believe you have to view it as if you are building and not working.  What you have to work with is what already exists, but building is a higher level of understanding.  What can we become? Can we build anything together? What is the value of what we can build? What steps will it take to build it? Ultimately, we all want to know if it will be worth the effort in the first place, but alas there are no guarantees.

Some things I have learned that are important blocks in the building process are: trust, respect, sharing, listening, understanding, and communication.  It is important to recognize when your partner is not helping you build, or when your partner is damaging what you have built.  Be aware of possessive behavior because it can be a negative foreshadowing or a disguise for guilt.  Not only do you want to give respect, but you should demand it for yourself as well … and know to act immediately when you are not receiving it.  Much can be learned from self observation.  If you find yourself in an argument, try to back down and observe your behavior.  Also, choose your fights carefully … Is this really necessary? What will we gain from this argument? Is this the right moment to argue this topic? Will we both feel differently tomorrow? And the ever important and often ignored need for space. People need space no matter how in love they are.  People need the freedom to do their own thing without being questioned.  Without this freedom, your construction will never be complete.

The truth will set you free even when you don’t like the truth.  I’m a firm advocate of “keeping it real” and I mean that in the best possible and most logical way.  I realize the term is slang, but the meaning behind it is still pure.  As a goodbye to a friend, “Keep it real”… it means don’t change.  Seriously, don’t change … don’t become someone you’re not.

More often than not, the precursor to a romantic relationship is based on a few falsities.  First of all, regardless of what you try to tell yourself (unless you are blind), you take interest in someone because of their appearance.  That is not a solid foundation, but it definitely is a necessity because if you are not attracted to someone than there is no long term hope.  Don’t get me wrong, though, there are those special few that attract you because of who they are in other ways and, while that is a better foundation, if you don’t eventually grow a physical attraction the relationship will be doomed in the long run.  However, there is always hope that you can grow a physical attraction to someone because of who they are rather than their looks.  I’ve been there, done that and it does work IF you are keeping it real!!! In fact, I have learned this type of physical attraction is far better than the norm.  You’ve heard that old joke where you look at someone hot and say “Somebody, somewhere is tired of putting up with his/her shit.”  Trust me, it’s true.  For the most part, the hotter they are – the more shit you have to put up with because, well … let’s face it … Hotties are high maintenance because they know someone else is just around the corner waiting to take your place in line for their attention.  Don’t blame me, I’m just keeping it real.

But the reason I’m writing this is to maybe help someone who is having a hard time in their relationship.  Bottom line is: you or your partner or both of you aren’t keeping it real.  As you grow older,  you will learn that is the main key.  But it’s not as easy as it sounds.  There’s a lot to keeping it real.

Say you’ve been together for 3 years or so, you know each other … you know the smell of his farts know each other … So when he takes a double glance at some young hottie in a tight dress across the room, you’re offended.  Don’t be! It’s human nature!!!! It’s that spark inside of him that keeps the fires burning and if you try to smother it you’re sure to lose him.  Let him look, and have a look yourself.  This WILL keep the passion burning in your personal relationship with him.  When I’m in this situation, I don’t get my feathers ruffled.  I watch him take his glance, then when he turns back to me I giggle about it.  This lets him know that I’m well aware of his wandering eye and I’m amused by it, not threatened.  Seriously, she may not want to get to know the smell of his farts the way that I have and if he’s willing to take that chance, well then we were not meant to be anyway … and probably he will end up smelling his farts alone.  Jealousy is deadly.  Don’t let it consume you.   If your partner is jealous, you should just get out now.  Why? Two reasons: First and foremost, it has been my experience that when someone is overly jealous it is usually spawned by the fact that they are actually doing something wrong and are paranoid and projecting their crime on you.  Oh how many times have I been accused of cheating by a cheater? I can’t even count.  But, after several accusations, I usually start studying harder to learn that Mr. Paranoid himself is cheating! Secondly, if your paranoid partner is not cheating then you’re just dealing with someone who is overly insecure which can lead to a whole bunch of baggage that you’ll be carrying around … for what? For nothing! Either way, get out of that shit because jealousy and paranoia lead to much bigger issues and I’m hoping you would rather just keep it real, right??

Now, let’s say your partner wants to know how many people you’ve slept with? Ouch! Don’t you hate that? But it always seems to pop up eventually and without any good reason.  Listen, I’m not telling you this … I’m not going to give you a false number or a real one because if we’re keeping it real, it really doesn’t matter.  The last thing I want to know about is my partner’s past.  It just opens up the door to too many insecurities that I don’t want to deal with.  He could very well be the one, but if I know too much about his past relationships I will always measure myself against them and never feel adequate and eventually I will personally destroy what could’ve been a good thing, so why bother?  Don’t ask questions that you wouldn’t want to answer honestly or that you wouldn’t want the honest answer to.  Seriously,  NO ONE answers this question honestly anyway … and NO ONE is ever happy with the answer anyway.  In this day and age most people start having sex in their teens, do you really want to know the truth? If you’re worried about disease, use protection instead of seeking out lies to make you feel safe.  If you’re worried about your worth, your question should be “How many times have you been in love?” Not all sex is love.  If it’s getting serious and you want to stop using protection, get tests instead of asking stupid questions and looking for your security in false answers.  KEEP IT REAL!!!

Don’t try to control everything.  If you’re in a relationship with a guy who loves sports and you hate it, don’t go with him to the sports bar to watch the big game only to find yourself miserable the whole time.  Let him go with his buddies while you do something you enjoy.  If you don’t trust him enough to go out without you, he’s not the one!!! If he’s trustworthy, he’s just watching the game, drinking some brew and will be eager to slip between the sheets with you after the party is over.  He’ll be even more eager than usual because you gave him space and trust.  Now, it IS a chance you have to take because there is always the possibility of cheating but if he does, then he wasn’t the one anyway and it’s best that you invested so little time rather than continued to invest time to learn this later.  By keeping it real, you find out the truth much earlier.  And, remember, the truth WILL set you free.  Chances are, f you are both mature adults, he will appreciate and desire you more if you give him the freedom to make his own decisions.  Now, if he starts deciding to be out more without you than with you  face it he’s just not that into you and you need to move on.  I’m using “him” as an example, but the same goes for the ladies.  A girl’s night out is just as important.  No one likes to have a ball and chain.  Most people who have a ball and chain are more apt to cheat because they just feel that urge to revolt even if they do love you.  Just like rebelling against controlling parents, something about the rebellion makes it all worthwhile even if it cost you something more valuable, like a relationship.  Being overbearing forces the rebellion, trust me!

And please, for the love of keeping it real, don’t talk in circles! You want something? Come out & say it! Don’t beat around the bush, candy coat it, hint around it or just assume your partner SHOULD know it and if he/she doesn’t than he/she doesn’t really love you.  Bullshit! If you want something, need something, have a problem with something, whatever the case may be … COME OUT AND SAY IT POINT BLANK.  Don’t give too much credit to the human race, we are not as smart as you’d like to think.  We need the full facts to handle the situation properly.  If you’re not getting what you want out of your relationship, you have no one to blame but yourself. Be straightforward and discuss openly what is on your mind.  You know what they say “Assume is spelled ASS U ME.  Assuming makes and ass out of you and me”.  So very true.  Keep it real.  Don’t assume.  If your partner doesn’t like what you have said, hear him/her out.  He/she may have a good reason, and you might just learn something.  If you don’t agree, like it or not, this relationship may not be the one for you.

Life is short, don’t waste time on being co-dependent or living a lie. The right person is out there for you as long as you keep it real!

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David Lee, are you talking to me?

11 01 2011

I will try to make a very long story short here, but I’m afraid I will have to begin this story in 1978 for you to grasp the depth of the miraculousness of it all.  So, here goes …

At the tender age of 6 I became a rocker.  I was a tom boy and not overly interested in girly things, but steadily forced into dresses and pig tails by my mom.  I was interested in finding myself at a very early age and uninterested in popularity or any of that mess.  I wanted to be tough, even though I was tiny.

I was raised in a very strict, Italian, Catholic home.  I had a stay-at-home mother and hard working father.  Anyway, I’m supposed to make this short so I’ll cut the details and get to one of the main household rules I liked to break … That was touching the parents’ stereo.  It was one of those old school big chests that had a record player and an ever-so-modern 8 track player.  Though children were not allowed to touch it, whenever the parents were away my two older siblings paid me no mind as they were teenagers doing their own thing so I would sneak to that amazing chest and put the giant headphones on, turning the knobs until I discovered something I thought sounded cool.  And then it happened … I was forever changed … by this sound:  It was like nothing I’d ever heard before.  It was raw, tough, heavy and completely different than what anyone I knew anywhere was listening to.  It rocked! I was instantly changed forever … and forever after I was a rocker chick! Full throttle ahead I began saving my allowance until I could purchase my first Van Halen record.  In other words, loose change from my grandfather to buy candy on a daily basis was saved as I fasted from my candy fix for about one year until my parents finally agreed to take me to the Sound Shop in the mall to buy Van Halen I.  Low and behold, Van Halen II had already been released and I didn’t even realize that I would have to decide between two albums.

By this time I was 7, and had not seen the band but only listened to them on the radio whenever I could.  When I laid my eyes on the lifesize, cardboard display of David Lee Roth splitting in spandex pants seductively over the Van Halen section I lost it … I really lost it … I jumped up and grabbed hold of it and had to have it, even if it cost my every last dime … literally.  My parents had to peel me off of it, begging the clerks to sell it to them to no avail.  I was in tantrum mode, but still left with Van Halen I in my possession.

Flash forward to 1984, to a 6th grade girl wearing holy jeans and Van Halen T-shirts to school daily and singing praises of their latest album.  A girl who had “I love David Lee Roth”  and  sketches of the Van Halen symbol sketched on every book cover.  A girl in love … with an untouchable rock icon.  Yes, that girl was me, of course.  Scrawny, late blooming, overlooked rocker chick Susan. I guess I really didn’t even notice that I was the ugly duckling, because I was still in that frame of mind that I wanted to be tough and completely un-girly! My world revolved around Van Halen mostly and other rock bands that were coming out at the time …  Bands that Van Halen opened the door for with their unique rock style. (Later, these would be known as hair bands)

It wasn’t until high school that I realized I was still late to blooming and unwanted.  Yeah, when all my guy friends I used to rock out with in Junior High no longer wanted to be seen with me because they were busy with the girly girls who had boobs and such.   Van Halen had crumbled after their biggest selling album, 1984, and my life seemed to be painfully crumbling too… I was holding on to dreams … dreams that I believed would never come true.  Dreams of being desirable to guys, and still dreaming even deeper of being desirable to rock stars.  But still, my life long dream was to someday be able to meet David Lee Roth … perhaps even cling to him the way I did that cardboard cut out of him at the record store so many years before…

I graduated in 1990 and still hadn’t blossomed.  Still fought for the attention of guys unsuccessfully and still prayed for Van Halen to reunite with David Lee Roth.  It seemed that none of my dreams would ever come true, but that summer things changed dramatically.  After an 18 year battle with a complicated illness (that’s a whole other blog I’ll write someday) I got the medical attention I needed and was on the path to healing.  With that healing came my late puberty.  With my late puberty came the swan from the ugly duckling … and with that swanlike existence came all the attention from the opposite sex I could’ve ever wanted.

It was a brand new world to me.  I didn’t know how to handle it.  Fortunately, early in my days of glory I settled down with a great guy for many years.  He too was a swan from ugly duckling, so we made a perfect match. But, sadly, all good things must come to an end and we broke up because he needed to “find himself” and I was left alone in a sea of sharks, who all wanted to take a bite of me the moment I was cast back out to sea.  And bite they did.  They shredded me up.  One bad relationship begot another, or so it seemed, and heartache relentlessly plagued me for years.  I had come to the realization that if it wasn’t for bad luck, I’d have no luck at all.  And once again, I found myself dreaming of what would never be … my rock stars whom were always my secret lovers and best friends for all of my years, who never let me down … even though the days of hair band glory were long forgotten.

And then came the millennium.  Which really pleased me because the 90’s were a gloomy and dark time for me, so I had a lot of hope that the new century would bless me … and so it did … in ways I never believed it would.

Hair bands were coming back into popularity for some strange reason, and I was on top of my game.  I wasn’t the ugly duckling who wasn’t old enough to go to their concerts, I was the perfect age at the perfect time to see everyone I ever loved live and usually in perfect settings such as small venues because they weren’t top dollar bands any more as far as the industry was concerned, but to me they were some of the most awesome musicians ever.  But, that wasn’t the most amazing part … you see the most amazing part was time and time again these rock icons who were monumentous in my life history were choosing me to go backstage and party with them.  Little ol’ Susan among tons of busty, Playboy bunny types surrounding me … they would point me out and invite me over and over.  I was never happier in all of my years.  So many times I would go home and wish that I could travel back in time to tell that crying teenage girl or that broken hearted young lady; “Someday, Susan, your dreams will come true…”

And then it happened … headline news … David Lee Roth was coming to my area.  I was frantic just reading it.  After this long spell of meeting rockers, would he be on my list? The ultimate rocker? The love of my life? Would I truly get to meet him? I was doubtful. He was like a King, like a God, the greatest front man of all time … a total legend.  Nah, I wouldn’t get to meet him because he would be surrounded by an entourage and be totally untouchable … but still, I had to go see him as I had only waited my whole life to be in his presence … seriously, my whole life!!!!

The day of the show, my best friend (of over 20 years!), Melanie, and I booked a room to stay overnight at the casino Dave was to perform at.  We spent the day laying out at the pool as she consistently tried to calm me, knowing that I was extremely and overly excited about the pending show.  Many drinks and hours of relaxation to no avail, I was still anxious in a childlike state reminiscent of that day I went to the Sound Shop 25 years prior! Moments before we left to the show, I went into the bathroom privately and kneeled on the floor and literally I prayed to God to watch over me because I knew that my life has sent me in a direction in which I would meet such celebrities and I would need a guardian angel to keep me in check if I had the opportunity to meet David Lee Roth!!!  Melanie was truly concerned for my well being as she was well aware of my immeasurable infatuation with Dave.

And so, there we were, third row from David Lee Roth … singing his heart out and twisting my heart with his every scream, his every acrobatic move, his every breath … tears streaming down my cheeks as I thought I would never be so blessed as to be so near to this man I had longed to see for 25 long years!!!  Well, I guess Dave could see my beaming adoration because he pointed at me and motioned for me to approach the stage.  I was frozen and people around me had to thrust me toward him for me to realize that YES… Dave was, in fact, motioning to ME! I thought my heart would beat out my chest.  I stood at the edge of the stage as he sang a couple of songs to me, gazing into my adoring eyes.  Time stood still, I was a six year old, a sexually confused teen and an adoring woman all at once!  Dave fed into it, of course, and couldn’t resist teasing me from the stage.

As the show came to a close, he grabbed my face forcefully in his hand … squeezing my cheeks and I thought this was the peek of my existence.  Then, he pointed at me and suddenly security grabbed me and began pulling me away! I was dazed and confused as if I was on some strange drug.  I grabbed Melanie, my last source of reality, and we were yanked behind the stage.

“Dave would like to see you, alone!” The security guard said.
I was speechless.
“She can’t go alone,” Melanie heroically said. (Thank Goodness!)

Moments later … there he was … across the room … smiling … DAVID F***ING LEE ROTH!!!!!!

And I just stood there … frozen … crying … spastic!

He motioned for me to come to him.  I pointed at myself, confused, and asked “ME?”
“Yes, you!” He laughed.

Slowly I walked to him, Melanie in tow.

“So, did you enjoy the show?” He asked.
I burst into tears.
“She loved it,” Melanie laughed.  “Trust me!”
“Can I… Can I hug you?” I muttered as I gazed at my dream come true.
“Absolutely!” He smiled.
I threw my arms around him and the tears began to flow. “I’ve waited my whole life for this moment!” I exclaimed.
He ate it up.  He loved it!

So, we ended up on the illustrious tour bus of David Lee Roth! Inside was all black leather and dim lighting as if we were in a lounge.  I was seating on a leather horse shoe shaped couch when Dave slid up very close beside me and wrapped his larger than life arms around me and began to whisper in my ear about how adorable I was in a voice I had only previously known through music.  A raspy, sexy, melodious, rock God voice much like the spoken part of “Panama” …. (skip to 2:50 on the video below to see what I mean)

Needless to say, his constant praises of me were making me very dizzy and fumbling foolishly over my words as Melanie consistently reminded him that he was fucking with my head and that he had no idea of the effects this entire event was having on me.  It’s very VERY good that she was there with me the whole time.  He persisted to whisper sweet nothings in my ear as Melanie quizzed him about his musical career and such and I was persistently fumbling.  Finally after a few glasses of Merlot and sharing a smoke with him, I gathered my composure and was able to somewhat loosen up … though he remained consistent with the sweet nothings.

Otherwise,  he spoke in rhythm and rhyme with great flamboyance! He was fun, gracious and very entertaining.  One of the funniest parts was;  when we first got on the bus he shook his rear end, squeezed into leather pants, in my face and said “How do you like my ass?” Hysterical, right? But anyway, as I said before … it was indeed very good that my best friend was there as my guardian because I have no idea what could have happened to me in my dazed state of hysteria without her protection!

And after all was said and done, I looked back and thought … once again … of the little girl in the record store clinging to a cardboard Dave, and to the lonely teen who kissed his posters goodnight.  It still makes me smile that the one thing I wanted so badly for all of my years … the one thing I never dreamed possible actually did happen … TO ME!!!

David Lee Roth is an American rock vocalist, songwriter and author among other notable careers.  Though he is best known as the original lead singer for Van Halen, he also has a popular career as a solo artist.  Roth exited Van Halen after their highest grossing album, 1984, topped the charts.  Conflict within the band’s egos led them to go separate ways.  Roth’s solo career offered several platinum and gold albums while Van Halen had continued success with a different sound and a new lead vocalist.  Without Van Halen, the band and brand he helped bring to superstardom, his solo career eventually stalled, and he went on to explore other career alternatives. Sometimes referred to as Diamond Dave, he rejoined Van Halen in 2007 (much to the joy of the band’s fanbase) for a North American tour that became the highest grossing tour in the band’s history. David Lee Roth is referred to in many (rock) media outlets as the greatest heavy metal singer of all time.  His powerful and unique vocals changed the face of rock music much in the same way as his famous band mate, Eddie Van Halen’s guitar playing also changed rock music.

Soon after Van Halen’s debut, Roth became well-known for his flamboyant showmanship. The 1983 Rolling Stone Record Guide Vol 2. described Roth as “the most obnoxious singer in human history, an achievement notable in the face of long tradition and heavy competition.” Although often noted more for physical than for technical vocal prowess, Roth’s bluesy baritone voice and distinctive screams coupled with his humorous and campy lyrics were integral to Van Halen’s sound. Roth is able to take his voice into a multi-pitched wheeze/rasp, almost like a train whistle.

From 1979-1984, Van Halen released five more albums: Van Halen II, Women and Children First, Fair Warning, Diver Down and 1984, each to increasing popular success and critical acclaim. In 1983, Van Halen was paid $1.5 million to play one set at the US Festival making them one of the two highest paid bands in modern history.

On April 1, 1985, Roth and Van Halen parted ways. In late 1985, Roth assembled a backing band with veteran Van Halen producer Ted Templeman handling the production. Roth released his debut full-length solo album, Eat ‘Em and Smile in July, 1986. The album saw Roth return to hard rock music and met with huge commercial and critical success. In January 1988, Roth released Skyscraper, a more experimental offering than the first solo album. Roth then went on a headlining arena tour with the Los Angeles hairband Poison opening for him.  The tour was a huge success and met with positive reviews in many places. In January 1991, Roth released A Little Ain’t Enough, a more mainstream hard rock album. Musical tastes had changed dramatically by the end of 1991 and the accompanying tour promoting this album did not do as well financially as planned. In March 1994, Roth released Your Filthy Little Mouth, an eclectic, lyrically intricate album.  It did not sell well, considered by many to be a commercial failure, failing to achieve gold status. Roth’s career was in decline yet he still managed to support the album with a World Tour lasting over 10 months that took him and his band through North America, Japan, Europe and back through North America again.

Nevertheless, many loyal fans remained, and the Roth/Van Halen split entered pop culture. For example, in the hit 1994 film Airheads, fans loyal to Roth were regarded as cool, whereas a character loyal to Van Halen was suspected as an undercover police officer. Similarly, in 2001, the title character of the film Joe Dirt declared he was a Van Halen fan, not a “Van Hagar” fan.  In June 1996, Roth reunited with Van Halen for a brief time and to great public fanfare. He recorded two new songs for Van Halen’s Best of Vol. 1 album, “Can’t Get This Stuff No More” and “Me Wise Magic.” After an infamous appearance on September 5, 1996, at the MTV Music Awards during which Roth and Eddie Van Halen reportedly threatened each other ultimately resulting in Van Halen choosing their third and least popular vocalist.

In 1997, Roth wrote a well-received memoir, entitled Crazy From the Heat. In 2001, rumors swirled that Roth and the members of Van Halen had recorded several new songs together and were in the process of attempting yet another reunion. Roth later confirmed this, but nothing became of the music. In 2003, Roth released Diamond Dave, an album of (mostly) classic rock cover songs.  It was during the promotional tour for this album that I had the pleasure of seeing him live and meeting him at long last.

On Feb. 2, 2007 The Official Van Halen Web Site released information that David Lee Roth had rejoined the band bringing much joy to long time fans.  In March 2007 five members of Van Halen, the four original members and Sammy Hagar (2nd vocalist) were inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame.  On August 13, 2007, 6 months after the initial reunion tour was postponed, it was finally confirmed by Van Halen with Roth at a press conference that they would schedule it starting in September 2007. At that conference, Eddie Van Halen stated that he and Roth were “like brothers” now. Calling Van Halen a “real band”, both Edward and Roth spoke of the possibility of further worldwide touring and a new album in mind for the future.On June 5, 2008, Van Halen announced the 2007-2008 tour with Roth grossed more than $93 million, a record for the band. Van Halen played to nearly one million people during 74 arena shows throughout the United States and Canada.





Won’t get fooled again

16 09 2010

I get dozens upon dozens of emails daily that have subject lines such as “an old classmate has been searching for you”, “3 people have searched for you today”, and today I even got one that said “an old fling has been searching for you” … yikes! Really? I hope he doesn’t find me!  These subject lines don’t entice me, the freak me out! Why are people searching for me? I’ve been in the same exact small, boring, lame ass town my entire life.  Am I really that hard to find? I look the exact same as I ever did (minus a bit of hairspray and eyeliner), my name hasn’t changed, my family still lives on the same corner downtown, I’m still here … so why the big search? I picture people frantically sweating over their keyboard, pounding in the letters to my name and clicking search.  “I must find her,” they gasp aloud desperately.  They lurk in the darkness, holding large flaming sticks calling out “Susan, Susan… I must find you…”  Meanwhile, I’m sitting in the dark banging away another blog on my crappy Dell notebook … to put on blog where my name and photo shine brightly and openly available to all who are “Desperately Seeking Susan”.
I figured I would desperately seek myself and see how hard I was to find, so I googled my name.  Bam! I was all over the place.  I really am somebody.  My whole life story was there, right on google … you didn’t even have to click anything.  I saw my birthday, my picture, my interests, my history … etc… and then if you click on one of the many links to me (I feel so famous, so many links … so little time) you can learn even more about ME! I learned things about me that I didn’t even know.  It was pretty amazing.  Did you know I lived in Louisiana and Florida before? I didn’t know that … maybe because I never actually did, but google says I did … and it’s definitely me they are talking about because there are pictures of my smiling face with my previous LA & FL addresses.  Interesting.  I want to go to these places.  I want to know what I was doing there.  This prompted me to check my credit and make sure my identity was never stolen …  I mean with hundreds of people searching for me daily and this whole address thing, I couldn’t help but become a bit paranoid that maybe some of them actually wanted to BE me! Whew, I was relieved to find that my identity has never been stolen.  (By the way, the movie “Identity” is one of my favorites … I know because google told me so.).
This made me think about the movie “The Jerk” (a slapstick comedy starring Steve Martin).  In “The Jerk”, the main character  is a simple man, Navin R. Johnson,  on a desperate journey to find himself and stand on his own two feet.  After he somewhat establishes himself, he is thrilled to see his name “in print” in the latest edition of the phone book.  (Remember I said he was simple, and this movie was released in 1979).  Anyway, what seemed such good news for Navin turns out to be rather bad when a serial killer randomly chooses Navin out of the phone book as his next victim.  Someone was searching for Navin R. Johnson.  Some crazed killer.  Ok, so it was a comedy … but still, as I keep saying … hundreds of people are searching for me on a daily basis.
Anyway, I have also discovered another girl with the same name as me.  She has done a whole lot more with her life.  She’s rather successful.  So successful in fact, that I am considering stealing her identity.  She has a college degree and a much better looking resume than my own.  Interesting.  Very interesting.  The other Susan I speak of has a fresh, new degree in business.  That’s just what I want to pretend I have a degree in.  Coincidence? I think not!  There are no pictures of this other with my name.  Her interests are not posted.  She lives in Australia.  It would be oh so easy to say I graduated from the University of Technology in Sydney in 2005.  Why not? Did you know you can buy fake degrees on line? I can buy one to match my fake story.  I wonder if people are searching for her too?  She should be nice and at least allow them a picture of herself like me.  With a great name like that, she must be hot too … right?
I guess it is kind of unsettling that people are searching for me, although between you and me I really don’t believe it … I honestly think they are catchy titled emails to entice me to open it and catch some hideous computer virus to crash my computer or steal my identity or what have you.  All I can say is, I hope that Old Fling Stalker guy who’s desperately seeking Susan that they just emailed me about doesn’t find me.
But the brilliant advertising ploys in cyber space aren’t confined strictly to email, as most of you know… I mean, seriously, Do you know where your boyfriend is? Well, according to a recent ad I saw in cyberspace you can track him down.  Simply click the ad, provide his cell phone number and hunt his sorry ass down.  How brilliant is this??? Let that stupid concept of trust be a thing of the past … I mean, seriously, who needs it? Just hunt him down and see for yourself what a lying dirt bag he really is.  Wal-mart my ass, the tracking system clearly shows he’s actually at Taco Bell … that no good bastard!
Him: Honey, I brought you some…
Her: You no good son-of-a-bitch!
Him: nachos… wh… what?
Her: You heard me, you lying no good son-of-a-bitch!
Him: Um, what’s the…
Her: Wal-mart my ass, you weren’t really at Wal-mart were you?
Him: Yes, I ran in to pick up a…
Her: LIAR! You were at Taco Bell!
Him: Um, yeah I guess I did stop at Taco Bell to get you a…
Her: Oh, don’t put it on me, asshole.  I know you like that bitch in the drive thru!
Him: Um, what? I got you some…
Her: Keep your fucking nachos, I know the truth now!

Seriously??? Who comes up with these brilliant ideas, such as tracking your boyfriend.  Is it just me, or does anyone else find this concept rather creepy?

Or what about, the find out when you will die ad? The one you just click on and mysteriously the date and time of your death can be calculated.  Again, does anyone else think this is a bad idea? Does anyone else find this concept rather creepy too? Do you imagine the grim reaper is walking the Earth with a lap top, looking for a wi-fi net source to stop and answer your burning question while he has a latte?  If you were actually given a date, a time of your death … would you believe it? What would you do with it? I think I’d use it to throw a party.   I’m having a huge party on February 11, 2037 … I hope you can get there before 10:13 pm because that’s my expiration time, okay? RSVP. BYOB. Thanks.
Who will you marry? Hmmm… how can they possibly know? And… Who are they anyway??? I’m sure, once you fill out their detailed questionnaire they will tell you exactly want you want to know … for a fee.  Yes, there is a hefty fee with all of these, But, do you what you must if you feel the powers of the great internets have all the answers … Personally, I think the kind of people who feed into this crap are just hoping that they get an answer back at all.  Some sad, lonely, poor ol’ sap sitting in front of his computer just hoping that the magical interwebs spew out a female’s name for him so he can at least know he’s not destined to be alone…
So, I decided to try the “Mobile Spy”ad.  This is an ad to see if someone has searched for you online … online, mind you, but you must enter your mobile phone number to find out … hmmm, why is that? Anyway, let’s play along…

First, you have to select your gender… female
Next, enter your first name… Anne
Then you select your age… 18
and your cell phone carrier (“to establish if you can receive our report”)… AT&T
followed, of course, by the addition of your cell phone number… 555-555-5555

Press continue…

Aww, damn… the pin number to find out my destiny was texted to a fake number… and I need it to see what’s up… holy hell.

But, alas, good news that I lied because in reading the fine print I see that once I accept that pin # I get a $9.99 per month charge added to my phone.  By using any of Mobile Spy LLC’s websites via entering your phone information or interacting with any links you agree to be bound by these terms and condition which include: services are provided on a “as is” and “as available” basis and all warranties are disclaimed to the fullest extent permissible…etc… Mobilespy.com makes no warranty that the site or products and services provided will meet your requirements and that the service will run uninterrupted, timely, secure or error free.  Results obtained are not guaranteed to be accurate, reliable or error free.  The site may contain bugs, errors or other limitations that Mobilespy.com is not responsible for.  Blah blah blah… give us your money and get screwed!

But damn it’s tempting, cuz those are some hot bitches they keep saying are searching for me! Who would’ve thought hot bitches were searching for me? I’m betting they have traced their boyfriends to my house … Taco Bell my ass!!!

Well, it’s been real … it’s been fun … but it hasn’t been real fun.  So, I’m off to get my free psychic reading now … I need to know if crazed hot bitches are coming over to kick my ass.  Wait! What’s this? I need to enter my credit card number? That doesn’t sound free … curses! Foiled again!





Boredom leads to blogs about…

18 06 2010

Today in 1856 the Republican Party opened it’s 1st National Convention in Philadelphia.  Founded in northern states in 1854 by anti-slavery activists, modernizers, ex-Whigs and ex-Free Soldiers, the Republican Party quickly became the principal opposition to the then dominant Democratic Party.  It is often referred to as the “Grand Old Party” or G.O.P.   In the news today, Former Republican House Majority Leader Dick Armey, one of the drivers of the Tea Party movement, is suggesting that Republican political candidates should shy away from the “Tea Party” label to avoid harsher scrutiny.  The Tea Party Movement emerged in 2009 through a series of nationally coordinated protests in response to several federal laws including; Emergency Economic Stabilization Act of 2008 (a.k.a. “bailout”), The American Recovery and Reinvestment Act of 2009(a.k.a. “Stimulus Package”), and the 2009-2010 Healthcare Reform Bills.  The name “Tea Party” is a reference to the Boston Tea Party protest of 1773 when American settlers protested the British government taxing them by refusing to return 3 shiploads of taxed tea to Britain and destroyed the tea by dumping it into the Boston Harbor.   The first president of the United States, George Washington, was not a member of any political party at the time of his election or throughout his tenure as president. Furthermore, he hoped that political parties would not be formed, fearing conflict and stagnation. Smart guy, that George Washington.  In my opinion, this nation is facing the very things that he feared today.

Just 2 years ago on this day we saw the first day of legal same sex marriage in the state of California but shortly afterward Proposition 8 was created, making same sex marriage illegal in the same state.  Recently, Proposition 8 was put on trial in a landmark case that will likely end up before the U.S. Supreme Court.  Today’s news says the federal case is wrapping up with closing arguments from either side.  Judge Vaughn Walker seemed skeptical of the attorneys defending Proposition 8, in particular challenging the argument that the institution of marriage is aimed primarily at serving society’s interest in procreation.  Among Walker’s questions for lawyers representing gay rights advocates is whether there is any proof that allowing gay men and lesbians to wed would reduce discrimination against them.  Walker is expected to rule this summer.  University of California, Davis law professor Vikram Amar told WSJ that he would be “quite surprised” if Walker didn’t rule that Prop 8 is unconstitutional.  I believe that if two people love each other they should not be denied their right to marriage and I also believe that when two married people hate each other they should not be denied their right to divorce, lol.  Any other concepts are dated.  The thought process of marriage for the purpose of procreation is ridiculous.  Period.  And, on a completely unrelated note, a Very Happy Birthday to Barry Manilow today…

On June 17th, 1947 Pan-American World Airways (Pan Am) chartered the first ever worldwide passenger airline.  Although Pan Am lobbied to gain protection of its position as America’s major international airline, it encountered increasing competition. At its peak during the early 1970s, Pan Am’s advertised under the slogan, “World’s Most Experienced Airline.” The 1973 energy crisis significantly affected Pan Am’s operational costs and On September 23, 1974, a group of Pan Am employees published an ad in the New York Times to register their disagreement over federal policies which they felt were harming the financial viability of their employer. Over the following 15 years Pan Am would face more difficulties including the stigma of being labeled as a target for terrorists after a hijacking in a 1986 in Pakistan taking the lives of 20 people.  Pan Am was forced to declare bankruptcy in January of 1991 and Delta Air Lines purchases it’s remaining profitable assets.  Today there are over 10 major airlines in existence in the U.S. alone.  Among the low cost carries of the U.S. is Spirit airlines, which was founded in 1980 as a tour operator providing travel packages to entertainment destinations that expanded over the next 20 years having 40 destinations throughout Central America, the Caribbean, South America and the U.S.  Today in the news Spirit Airlines pilots’ strike, which left many Florida vacationers stranded, was finally called off.  Though the details of the tentative settlement are still unknown, Capt. Sean Creed, leader of the Spirit unit of Air Line Pilots Association (ALPA) released a statement noting “increases in pay and retirement benefits,” were among the gains achieved in the negotiations. Spirit flights are expected to resume Friday. While the strike is over, the airline industry’s labor problems are not since other unions will likely seek to capitalize on any gains achieved by Spirits’ pilots. The airline industry shedded up 100,000 jobs, and cut $15 billion in wages and benefits over the last 10 years and members are understandably unhappy as they watch the industry’s business begin to improve without any payoff to them. The International Air Transport Association declared global traffic back to pre-recession levels and recently forecast $545 billion in revenues for 2010, up almost 13% from last year.

Does anybody remember this?

Yep! It was 15 years ago today that O.J. Simpson took that long, slow, ride evading the police after suspicion of murdering his ex-wife and her friend Ronald Goldman. This event was the beginning of a historical criminal trial in which the former football hero, Simpson, was charged with murdering Nicole Brown-Simpson and her male companion.  Simpson hired a high-profile defense team initially led by Robert Shapiro and subsequently by F. Lee Bailey and Johnnie Cochran.  Cochran was able to persuade the jurors that there was reasonable doubt about the DNA evidence and Simpson was acquitted after the longest jury trial in California history (lasting over 9 months).  O.J. Simpson later went to jail for armed robbery and kidnapping and is still serving his 9 year sentence and still proclaiming his innocence in the 15 year old murders.
Another historical sports celebrity, famous boxer Mike Tyson, was accused of beating his celebrity actress wife Robin Givens 6 years prior to the Simpson murder on this same day.  Not as bad as murder but not so good in the press.  Of course, today these sports heroes’ woes are overshadowed by the more recent famous scandal of golf superstar Tiger Woods’ numerous affairs which add up to at least 18 holes … lol.

On June 17th 1980 Led Zeppelin embarked on their last European tour.  Sadly, this would be the tour that would not be completed due to the untimely death of drummer, John Bonham, on September 25th.  In my opinion one of the greatest losses in the history of rock music, ultimately leading to the demise of one of the greatest bands the music industry has ever seen.  On December 4th the band issued the following statement; “We wish it to be known that the loss of our dear friend, and the deep sense of undivided harmony felt by ourselves and our manager, have led us to decide that we could not continue as we were.” Devastating news for many fans, including me…of course, I was only 8 when this happened so I had no idea of the profound effect this would have on me until I discovered Led Zeppelin a few years later and fell madly in love with their amazing music.

My favorite band forever…

In other music news, 23 years ago today “Somebody to Love” by Jefferson Airplane debuted at #5 on the charts.  “Somebody to Love” was included in Rolling Stones Magazine’s top 500 songs of all time and has been on the soundtrack of many famous films as well as playing instrumental in publicizing the existence of the famous Haight-Ashbury counterculture to the rest of the U.S.  The lyrics are deep and philosophical, setting a scene of alienation and despair.  It was a period when music seemed to be more important than it is today.  When composition and lyrics were still important and artists were still respected.  A time when music still had meaning and talent was still considered the main ingredient.  A time far different than today, as music today is commercialized, cookie cutter crap and most (so-called-) artists’ songs are on the charts today and gone tomorrow.  Something real and meaningful for you, Jefferson Airplane perform “Somebody to Love”

And today we have Miley Cyrus in the news, I saw the article and this picture made me want to kick her ass…
Listen you little teenage tramp, you’re not the first and you’re probably not the last… now take off that f***in’ Cheap Trick shirt before you curse the band and they break up.  Do you even know a song by them? Please! Anyway, yeah… there’s some big new release of another video of her acting all skanky to some mixed, lip synced, edited song of her’s premiering today or something.  Whatever.  You don’t deserve the shirt, you little brat! And No, Miley, this is not for you…

Anyway, last but not least, we celebrate the birthday of one of my favorite artists today.  M.C. Escher was born today in 1898.  Wow… that dude was way ahead of his time.  Escher was a Dutch Graphic Artist known for his mathematically inspired woodcuts, lithographs, and mezzotints featuring impossible constructions and explorations of infinity, architecture and tessellations.  If that didn’t make any sense to you, have a look…

Anything exciting happen in YOUR world today?