Won’t get fooled again

16 09 2010

I get dozens upon dozens of emails daily that have subject lines such as “an old classmate has been searching for you”, “3 people have searched for you today”, and today I even got one that said “an old fling has been searching for you” … yikes! Really? I hope he doesn’t find me!  These subject lines don’t entice me, the freak me out! Why are people searching for me? I’ve been in the same exact small, boring, lame ass town my entire life.  Am I really that hard to find? I look the exact same as I ever did (minus a bit of hairspray and eyeliner), my name hasn’t changed, my family still lives on the same corner downtown, I’m still here … so why the big search? I picture people frantically sweating over their keyboard, pounding in the letters to my name and clicking search.  “I must find her,” they gasp aloud desperately.  They lurk in the darkness, holding large flaming sticks calling out “Susan, Susan… I must find you…”  Meanwhile, I’m sitting in the dark banging away another blog on my crappy Dell notebook … to put on blog where my name and photo shine brightly and openly available to all who are “Desperately Seeking Susan”.
I figured I would desperately seek myself and see how hard I was to find, so I googled my name.  Bam! I was all over the place.  I really am somebody.  My whole life story was there, right on google … you didn’t even have to click anything.  I saw my birthday, my picture, my interests, my history … etc… and then if you click on one of the many links to me (I feel so famous, so many links … so little time) you can learn even more about ME! I learned things about me that I didn’t even know.  It was pretty amazing.  Did you know I lived in Louisiana and Florida before? I didn’t know that … maybe because I never actually did, but google says I did … and it’s definitely me they are talking about because there are pictures of my smiling face with my previous LA & FL addresses.  Interesting.  I want to go to these places.  I want to know what I was doing there.  This prompted me to check my credit and make sure my identity was never stolen …  I mean with hundreds of people searching for me daily and this whole address thing, I couldn’t help but become a bit paranoid that maybe some of them actually wanted to BE me! Whew, I was relieved to find that my identity has never been stolen.  (By the way, the movie “Identity” is one of my favorites … I know because google told me so.).
This made me think about the movie “The Jerk” (a slapstick comedy starring Steve Martin).  In “The Jerk”, the main character  is a simple man, Navin R. Johnson,  on a desperate journey to find himself and stand on his own two feet.  After he somewhat establishes himself, he is thrilled to see his name “in print” in the latest edition of the phone book.  (Remember I said he was simple, and this movie was released in 1979).  Anyway, what seemed such good news for Navin turns out to be rather bad when a serial killer randomly chooses Navin out of the phone book as his next victim.  Someone was searching for Navin R. Johnson.  Some crazed killer.  Ok, so it was a comedy … but still, as I keep saying … hundreds of people are searching for me on a daily basis.
Anyway, I have also discovered another girl with the same name as me.  She has done a whole lot more with her life.  She’s rather successful.  So successful in fact, that I am considering stealing her identity.  She has a college degree and a much better looking resume than my own.  Interesting.  Very interesting.  The other Susan I speak of has a fresh, new degree in business.  That’s just what I want to pretend I have a degree in.  Coincidence? I think not!  There are no pictures of this other with my name.  Her interests are not posted.  She lives in Australia.  It would be oh so easy to say I graduated from the University of Technology in Sydney in 2005.  Why not? Did you know you can buy fake degrees on line? I can buy one to match my fake story.  I wonder if people are searching for her too?  She should be nice and at least allow them a picture of herself like me.  With a great name like that, she must be hot too … right?
I guess it is kind of unsettling that people are searching for me, although between you and me I really don’t believe it … I honestly think they are catchy titled emails to entice me to open it and catch some hideous computer virus to crash my computer or steal my identity or what have you.  All I can say is, I hope that Old Fling Stalker guy who’s desperately seeking Susan that they just emailed me about doesn’t find me.
But the brilliant advertising ploys in cyber space aren’t confined strictly to email, as most of you know… I mean, seriously, Do you know where your boyfriend is? Well, according to a recent ad I saw in cyberspace you can track him down.  Simply click the ad, provide his cell phone number and hunt his sorry ass down.  How brilliant is this??? Let that stupid concept of trust be a thing of the past … I mean, seriously, who needs it? Just hunt him down and see for yourself what a lying dirt bag he really is.  Wal-mart my ass, the tracking system clearly shows he’s actually at Taco Bell … that no good bastard!
Him: Honey, I brought you some…
Her: You no good son-of-a-bitch!
Him: nachos… wh… what?
Her: You heard me, you lying no good son-of-a-bitch!
Him: Um, what’s the…
Her: Wal-mart my ass, you weren’t really at Wal-mart were you?
Him: Yes, I ran in to pick up a…
Her: LIAR! You were at Taco Bell!
Him: Um, yeah I guess I did stop at Taco Bell to get you a…
Her: Oh, don’t put it on me, asshole.  I know you like that bitch in the drive thru!
Him: Um, what? I got you some…
Her: Keep your fucking nachos, I know the truth now!

Seriously??? Who comes up with these brilliant ideas, such as tracking your boyfriend.  Is it just me, or does anyone else find this concept rather creepy?

Or what about, the find out when you will die ad? The one you just click on and mysteriously the date and time of your death can be calculated.  Again, does anyone else think this is a bad idea? Does anyone else find this concept rather creepy too? Do you imagine the grim reaper is walking the Earth with a lap top, looking for a wi-fi net source to stop and answer your burning question while he has a latte?  If you were actually given a date, a time of your death … would you believe it? What would you do with it? I think I’d use it to throw a party.   I’m having a huge party on February 11, 2037 … I hope you can get there before 10:13 pm because that’s my expiration time, okay? RSVP. BYOB. Thanks.
Who will you marry? Hmmm… how can they possibly know? And… Who are they anyway??? I’m sure, once you fill out their detailed questionnaire they will tell you exactly want you want to know … for a fee.  Yes, there is a hefty fee with all of these, But, do you what you must if you feel the powers of the great internets have all the answers … Personally, I think the kind of people who feed into this crap are just hoping that they get an answer back at all.  Some sad, lonely, poor ol’ sap sitting in front of his computer just hoping that the magical interwebs spew out a female’s name for him so he can at least know he’s not destined to be alone…
So, I decided to try the “Mobile Spy”ad.  This is an ad to see if someone has searched for you online … online, mind you, but you must enter your mobile phone number to find out … hmmm, why is that? Anyway, let’s play along…

First, you have to select your gender… female
Next, enter your first name… Anne
Then you select your age… 18
and your cell phone carrier (“to establish if you can receive our report”)… AT&T
followed, of course, by the addition of your cell phone number… 555-555-5555

Press continue…

Aww, damn… the pin number to find out my destiny was texted to a fake number… and I need it to see what’s up… holy hell.

But, alas, good news that I lied because in reading the fine print I see that once I accept that pin # I get a $9.99 per month charge added to my phone.  By using any of Mobile Spy LLC’s websites via entering your phone information or interacting with any links you agree to be bound by these terms and condition which include: services are provided on a “as is” and “as available” basis and all warranties are disclaimed to the fullest extent permissible…etc… Mobilespy.com makes no warranty that the site or products and services provided will meet your requirements and that the service will run uninterrupted, timely, secure or error free.  Results obtained are not guaranteed to be accurate, reliable or error free.  The site may contain bugs, errors or other limitations that Mobilespy.com is not responsible for.  Blah blah blah… give us your money and get screwed!

But damn it’s tempting, cuz those are some hot bitches they keep saying are searching for me! Who would’ve thought hot bitches were searching for me? I’m betting they have traced their boyfriends to my house … Taco Bell my ass!!!

Well, it’s been real … it’s been fun … but it hasn’t been real fun.  So, I’m off to get my free psychic reading now … I need to know if crazed hot bitches are coming over to kick my ass.  Wait! What’s this? I need to enter my credit card number? That doesn’t sound free … curses! Foiled again!



22 responses

16 08 2010

I love people searching for me, especially people with the same last name as me. What is weird is that there are several cousins of mine with the same first name as me, and two people in this country with the same first, middle and last name of mine.

Monti is a relatively common Italian last name, so finding people who think you are someone else is mundane in comparison to finding and meeting people of my last name, who almost always are cousins in some way of me. I have many distant (up to fourth cousins) cousins and relations of mine as Facebook friends and we keep up on family stuff.

The Jerk by the way, had almost as many quotables as Animal House and Caddyshack and Stripes. Remember when he said he was only leaving with one thing, then it grew to several things as he was evicted from his home. LOL

16 08 2010

I’m not sweating it, really. I’m pretty open with who I am in cyberspace because seriously… if anyone wants to find me they can. But, here’s a gift for you: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4VbI5zcB8Ac

16 08 2010

Susan – that was a wild read! Thoroughly enjoyed it! (bear with me if there are any typos here: I’m posting this from iPhone)

My namesake is a scientist specialising in animal husbandry or something. I have zero aspirations to be him. Over the years I’ve methodically used obvious fake names – like wolfshades – just so that my real name will fade into obscurity on the net. This, after gaining a couple of stalkers.

Let’s face it: if someone is going to go to all the trouble to find up what you’ve been up to, what your social security number is, and what you had for dinner last week. – you wouldn’t want them to have anything to do with you anyway right? They’re better off starring on the Springer show. Losers. 🙂

16 08 2010

Hey Stranger! Been so long I had to approve your comment. I know, I’m guilty too. I haven’t been on much really… moving old blogs over here and killing off my myspace slowly. I’ve been battling migraines for quite some time now. Kinda sucks. Haven’t been inspired to write or read anything new. My apologies. I need to get caught up with you. I was, of course, kidding about stealing anyone’s identity… I love me, and obviously many others do too…lololololololol!!!!

16 08 2010

Aaah. You’re finally doing it, huh? Making the final transition from Myspace. Well, you couldn’t have picked a better spot. In my opinion.

No apologies necessary, sweetie. None. Life has a way of happening. If I didn’t believe that, I wouldn’t be able to forgive myself for my neglect of others and their blogs.

I’m in your corner about the migraines too. Not that I’m having them, but I know full well the agony and frustration you’re going through with them. As much as science and medicine have progressed, they’ve yet to get an adequate handle on migraines. Hope they pass soon. Are they related to wild weather? (Mine are)

16 08 2010

Though I’ve had them all my life, it has been nearly 15 years since my last really bad period with them as I have been having lately. Many tests and studies later and we still haven’t discovered what spawns mine. I have no real idea because every time I think I found the trigger, I make changes to no avail then I go back to what I was doing and all as well until it happens again. Honestly, though, this has been the worst it has in many years for me so I may have to go back for new tests or see if technology has improved since the last time which was at least 10 years ago. As for myspace, the drama has pretty much destroyed the fun part of blogging and if you’re not part of the game you’re a dying member over there or so it seems so I’m pretty much over it. I just hope my readers give WP a chance. It’s so much better I agree!

16 08 2010
Abe's Blog

Sorry about your headaches. I’m always happy to see who has been searching for me. I don’t recognize them, but they always have very large breasts. Too large…it’s kind of scary.

I used to think it was funny to see how Myspace would react to keywords in a blog. Fart is a good one. The ads you get…weird stuff! 🙂

Good to see your post.

16 08 2010

Fart? Hmmm… I’m going to have to try that one out. Yeah, those searchers do tend to have gigantic boobs, don’t they? What’s up with that? Thanks for stopping in, Abe. I promise you boys I’ll get caught up on blogs this week. I miss you! XOXO

16 08 2010

Spam and the business degree is a waste of time. I know because I wasted my time and money getting one.

16 08 2010

Well, apparently, in another life I already got one without wasting my time or money so that’s good, right? LOL

16 08 2010
uncle jailbird

i’ve tried googling my name and come up with some football player from the 40s. when i specifically looked for my name, 2 hits came up, both on a geneology websites.

16 08 2010

Was it really links to YOU on the geneology sites?

16 08 2010
Howie Charles

Dear Susan, about two years ago I googled my name and came up with a whole lot of info. it was correct, but the question was, how much to I want the world to know. Now when I sign up for a social network I use an alias. I give my zip code as somewhere in Montana. I no longer have a picture of me. The letters from women, all over the world, stopped coming. I don’t want to be followed. I am not sure why someone would follow me. I am old and overweight. I can’t afford to bring them here and my wife would probably object strongly.

Peace, howie

17 08 2010

I’d follow you Howie, cuz you’re a great guy… but I totally understand your feelings trust me! Unfortunately, all the stalkers I’ve ever had have been in my neck of the woods instead of just in cyber space. I’ve yet to have a cyber stalker… or so I think anyway, lol

16 08 2010

Strangely, it seems no one is looking for me, except a stalker ex-girl friend. I have lived in the same house for 10 year, so you think she could find me. She was not the sharpest knife in the drawer. Probably why she dated me. LOL

I have opted out of all contact for as many things as I can, and I have a crap g-mail account i use to “sign up” for websites. I have not checked it in a long time, but it was up to 100 message a day or so.

The adage “a fool and his money” certainly applies here. If I wanted well endowed women to find me, I would leave my business cards at Hooters. Seems easier to me, since I am going to be there from time to time anyway!

17 08 2010

Classic reply… especially Hooters…lol. I hear ya. I know you are steadily getting more obscure. After my class reunion, I’ll probably ditch my facebook account all together & do some housework on my myspace. I wish a fool would just give me his money. That’d be swell. Yeah, I get like 300 emails a day on my aol account… but then again I’ve used that address since 1995!!!

16 08 2010

I’m kind of mildly surprised at the number of men here who, like me, have found themselves stalked by women. Who’d have ever thought? That’s usually the kind of behaviour done by males – or so we’re told, anyway.

While the behaviour is mildly flattering, it’s mostly irritating. So when people (like my boss) say they’re going to cave and get a Facebook account, I warn them not to use their real names. Real names are helpful if you want to make sure long lost friends can find you but also….they’re *really* helpful for lost lonely souls who “just want to be friends” (cue music from “Misery”). 🙂

17 08 2010

Well, in my case, she used to live with me, so since I still live in the same house, she knows exactly where I live. Fortunately, I never took her to my favorite hangout. I NEVER take girls there. The guys all know if I do, it is going to be just before the wedding, and they should already have gotten their invitations, LOL.

17 08 2010

LOL Richard 🙂

17 08 2010

I certainly do have some regrets about my true identity being openly available on the net, but I’ve never used my SS# or credit cards on the net so I feel somewhat safe anyway. I hope my #1 fan doesn’t find me though… whoever it is, I imagine that person has to be slightly twisted…lol

22 08 2010

Hello Baaaaaybay! hehe…you rock kiddo. Sorry it took me so long to get over here. Been a meltdown on my end of the stick. Ya know, I get the same kinda thingy about pervs searching for me. I just did get over a stalker situation over at MS btw. Crazy girl that would not take “no” for an answer. Amusing at first, but then it got cookoo. I wonder if she was tracking me. Yeah…I’m a dumbass, gave her my phone number, but, at first, it seemed so friggin innocent. Keyword in that last sentence…”dumbass.” lol…once bitten, twice shy babe…maybe I ought to consider having that on my tombstone. Glad you got this place here. I might have to check it out.



23 08 2010

I’ve never given my # out via the net. I don’t trust it. There are a lotta crazies out there. I’ve never really had an internet stalker… well, I had one… and boy that’s a story in itself… it was a female obsessed with me because I met DLR and she was obsessed with him. She claimed to be a psychic who spoke to him telepathically and was desperate to phone me with secret messages from him…etc… and was really bizarre hard core. But yeah, no male stalkers. This is a great site for blogging. Get to know it, you may want to call it home…

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